Overcoming Gridlock

In a marriage it is inevitable issues are going to come up where spouses are going to disagree. There are times when an issue where you both feel  determined about it feels impossible to compromise. If we are not careful irreconcilable differences can turn into gridlock. John Gottoman defines gridlock as "when partners can't identify a way to accommodate perpetual disagreement." He says."neither can make any headway in convincing the other to understand and respect their perspective, much less agree with it" If you find yourself in a gridlocked issue. This does not have to dissolve the marriage. John Gottman provides us with four steps that we can use to help overcome gridlock. He tells us   "the very nature of gridlock means that your dreams appear to be in opposition, so you've both become deeply entrenched in other positions and fear accepting each other's influence and yielding. "  The first step that Dr. Gottman suggests to help overcome gridlock is exploring the dream(s).  He says to first write an explanation of your position. Make sure you do not criticize or accuse your spouse. Next write the hidden dream within your position. Subsequently explain why you feel this way and why it is significant. An example of this would be if you are consistently fighting about money. One spouse may feel the need to save a lot of their money, Their dream may be to have a considerable savings and a good retirement this will help them feel safe and secure. You might feel this way because you saw your grandparents or parents didn't retain enough money during retirement and you do not want to have the same struggles. Once the dreams have been established then each person takes 15 minutes being the speaker and the listener. The second step is to soothe.  You need to pay attention to how you and your spouse if you begin feeling signs of stress  take a break and soothe yourself before you continue. The third step is the reach a temporary compromise. You need to accept your differences and establish some kind of initial compromise the will help you continue to work on the problem.  The fourth step is to say thank-you. You need to make an appreciation list. Note all things that you are appreciative for. You want to end on a optimistic note, you should offer three thank-yous to your spouse. This will help keep things positive in your relationship during stressful times.  

John Gottman informs us there are two kinds of the conflicts in marriage there are Perpetual problems and there are solvable problems. He says that 69% of marital conflicts fall into the perpetual problem category. Perpetual problems represent “unmovable problems" No matter how long we are married these problems just don’t go away. But these perpetual problems do not have to wreck a marriage or make us unhappy. Gottman says, “Despite their differences, these couples remain very satisfied with their marriages because they have hit upon a way to address their unmovable problems so that they don’t become over whelming. They’ve learned to keep them in their place and approach them with a sense of humor.” In a marriage we have to accept the little things that our spouse does that can drive us crazy. We must learn to love our spouse and even embrace their unpleasant habits. Brother Goddard in his book Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage says “Marriage provides glorious opportunities to practice consecration. Just as Isaac was willing to five his life as the ultimate expression of commitment to God, we are invited to dedicate our lives, our talents, or weekends, and our weaknesses to the sacred enterprise of sanctifying marriages and ultimately perfecting our souls.”He also tells us “most of our sacrifices take a startling pedestrian form.”

An example of this sacrifice in my own marriage that comes to mind is my husband never replaces the toilet paper in the bathroom. If he takes a new roll out, he will leave it on the back of the toilet. This has always just blown my mind that he couldn’t merely put the roll of toilet paper on the holder. I have performed demonstrations and inquired repeatedly why this is extremely challenging, but eventually I decided it was unimportant. When I go into the bathroom, I merely place the toilet paper on the holder and move on. Just like I know he pushes my hairdryer and straightener out of his way when he gets ready in the morning. He no longer inquires why I don’t put it away, although I know it makes him crazy. There is no resentment in these acts and at times we may tease each other about these things. But have discovered ways to address the ongoing problem. We recognize that we both have shortcomings and can not let the small stuff become big issues in our relationship. This has helped us address many issues as they have popped up in our 25-years of marriage. We try living by the motto  “Don’t Sweat the Small the Stuff.” 

Pride Cometh Before the Fall

In President Ezra Taft Benson’s talk “Beware of Pride” he warns us of the dangers of pride.  When we have pride it can affect all aspects of our lives.  Our marriages are one aspect that pride can destroy.  In Presidents Bensons talk he discusses the different faces of pride.  He says that disobedience, selfishness, and contention are all aspects of pride. 

One of the elements of pride that President Benson mentions is selfishness.  He says “Selfishness is one of the more common faces of pride. “How everything affects me” is the center of all that matters—self-conceit, self-pity, worldly self-fulfillment, self-gratification, and self-seeking.”  There is absolutely no room for selfishness in a marriage.  Selfishness will deteriorate a marriage quickly.  When we focus on ourselves, we will be easily irritated with our spouse and will see their many short comings.  In the bookDrawing Heaven into Your Marriage it says “God has given us an early warning system.  When we are feeling irked, annoyed, or irritated with our spouse, we have our backs toward Heaven.  We are guilty or pride.  In a spiritual sense we are saying to our spouses, “You are not meeting my needs the way would like them met.  Don’t you realize that is your job?! Your every act is to be dedicated to my happiness. Now Hop to it.” We cannot expect anyone to meet our needs and make us happy. If we want to have a happy marriage we need to be looking outward and trying help our spouses be happy.  If both spouses are doing this then this will lead to a happy marriage. 

President Benson also speaks of contention. He says that “Contention in our families drives the Spirit of the Lord away. It also drives many of our family members away. Contention ranges from a hostile spoken word to worldwide conflicts.”  When we are contentious with our spouse that can rip a big hole in our marriage. We need to look for ways that we can bring the spirit into our marriages not push it away.  When the spirit is strong in our homes we can find peace and we will be happier. 

When we have pride it makes it so that we are only looking out for ourselves.  In a marriage we should be working together as partners.  We need to be each other’s teammates and the old say goes there is no “I” in teamwork. 

The Little Things

                                                   
The principle of turning toward one another goes right along with the scripture in D&C 64:33 “"Wherefore, be not weary in well-doing, for ye are laying the foundation of a great work. And out of small things proceedeth that which is great." It is the small things that we do in our marriage that will make it a great marriage. It is taking an interest in our spouse and helping them in small ways.  For example, last night I was tired but it was my turn to clean the kitchen. We had a late night and I still needed to read with my son, as well,  before he went to bed. As I was reading with my son in his room I could hear someone cleaning the kitchen.  When I came out of my sons’ room, my husband had cleaned the whole kitchen.  It didn’t matter that he had just cleaned the kitchen the night before or that he had a long day at work. Little acts like this help us feel loved and appreciated.  It brings a couple closer together.  By my husband doing this it helped me want to find a way that I could help him out in some way.  It is little things like this that start to add up and make a difference in our marriages and how we view our spouse.  John Gottman in his book “The Seven Principles for Making Marriages Work said “Turning toward operates under a law of positive feedback- like a snowball rolling downhill, it can start small yet generate enormous results.  In other words, you don’t have to turn toward your partner in a very dramatic way to see the benefit” Turning toward another helps build a strong relationship. This helps us fortify our relationship so that when hard times hit our marriage will be able to with stand problems.  Turning toward one another helps us build trust in our marriage, we know that we can rely and trust our partner.  We also develop the habit of turning to your partner when you need help.  What are some of the small things that you do that help a great marriage come to pass?