Marriage Matters

John Gottman informs us there are two kinds of the conflicts in marriage there are Perpetual problems and there are solvable problems. He says that 69% of marital conflicts fall into the perpetual problem category. Perpetual problems represent “unmovable problems" No matter how long we are married these problems just don’t go away. But these perpetual problems do not have to wreck a marriage or make us unhappy. Gottman says, “Despite their differences, these couples remain very satisfied with their marriages because they have hit upon a way to address their unmovable problems so that they don’t become over whelming. They’ve learned to keep them in their place and approach them with a sense of humor.” In a marriage we have to accept the little things that our spouse does that can drive us crazy. We must learn to love our spouse and even embrace their unpleasant habits. Brother Goddard in his book Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage says “Marriage provides glorious opportunities to practice consecration. Just as Isaac was willing to five his life as the ultimate expression of commitment to God, we are invited to dedicate our lives, our talents, or weekends, and our weaknesses to the sacred enterprise of sanctifying marriages and ultimately perfecting our souls.”He also tells us “most of our sacrifices take a startling pedestrian form.”

An example of this sacrifice in my own marriage that comes to mind is my husband never replaces the toilet paper in the bathroom. If he takes a new roll out, he will leave it on the back of the toilet. This has always just blown my mind that he couldn’t merely put the roll of toilet paper on the holder. I have performed demonstrations and inquired repeatedly why this is extremely challenging, but eventually I decided it was unimportant. When I go into the bathroom, I merely place the toilet paper on the holder and move on. Just like I know he pushes my hairdryer and straightener out of his way when he gets ready in the morning. He no longer inquires why I don’t put it away, although I know it makes him crazy. There is no resentment in these acts and at times we may tease each other about these things. But have discovered ways to address the ongoing problem. We recognize that we both have shortcomings and can not let the small stuff become big issues in our relationship. This has helped us address many issues as they have popped up in our 25-years of marriage. We try living by the motto  “Don’t Sweat the Small the Stuff.”