Overcoming Gridlock

In a marriage it is inevitable issues are going to come up where spouses are going to disagree. There are times when an issue where you both feel  determined about it feels impossible to compromise. If we are not careful irreconcilable differences can turn into gridlock. John Gottoman defines gridlock as "when partners can't identify a way to accommodate perpetual disagreement." He says."neither can make any headway in convincing the other to understand and respect their perspective, much less agree with it" If you find yourself in a gridlocked issue. This does not have to dissolve the marriage. John Gottman provides us with four steps that we can use to help overcome gridlock. He tells us   "the very nature of gridlock means that your dreams appear to be in opposition, so you've both become deeply entrenched in other positions and fear accepting each other's influence and yielding. "  The first step that Dr. Gottman suggests to help overcome gridlock is exploring the dream(s).  He says to first write an explanation of your position. Make sure you do not criticize or accuse your spouse. Next write the hidden dream within your position. Subsequently explain why you feel this way and why it is significant. An example of this would be if you are consistently fighting about money. One spouse may feel the need to save a lot of their money, Their dream may be to have a considerable savings and a good retirement this will help them feel safe and secure. You might feel this way because you saw your grandparents or parents didn't retain enough money during retirement and you do not want to have the same struggles. Once the dreams have been established then each person takes 15 minutes being the speaker and the listener. The second step is to soothe.  You need to pay attention to how you and your spouse if you begin feeling signs of stress  take a break and soothe yourself before you continue. The third step is the reach a temporary compromise. You need to accept your differences and establish some kind of initial compromise the will help you continue to work on the problem.  The fourth step is to say thank-you. You need to make an appreciation list. Note all things that you are appreciative for. You want to end on a optimistic note, you should offer three thank-yous to your spouse. This will help keep things positive in your relationship during stressful times.