Loving the In Laws

When you are first married it can be intimidating to try and find your place in a new family.  As a fairly new mother-in-law myself I was determined that my son-in-law and daughter-in-law feel part of the family.  I remember when I was first married, I felt so awkward around my husband’s parents.  I never knew what to call them.  It took me years before I started using their names.  That makes for an awkward relationship.  My mother-in-law went through my husband to communicate with me, and would tell him when I did something that bothered her.  Things through the years have definitely gotten better and we have a good relationship now.  I knew that there were things that I wanted to do differently when my children married.  I think as parents it is our job to welcome our son or daughter in- law as a new child into our family.  We need to take time to get to know them and talk with them.  The first thing that I did was tell my daughter and son-in-law that they are welcome to call us either Mom and Dad or by our first names.  Whatever they are comfortable with we were more than happy with.  This put the whole awkward name thing behind us.  Also, if I have a question for them, I make sure that I call or text them, not my child.  I want them to know that they matter to me.  Another thing that I try really hard to do is to never criticize my child's spouse especially to my child.  This is inappropriate and will damage your relationship with both people.  As parents we need to encourage our children in their relationship by pulling back and finding our new role in their lives.  Marvin J Ashton said "Wise parents whose children have left to start their own families, realize that their family role still continues, not in a realm of domination, control, regulation, supervision, or imposition but rather in love, concern, and encouragement.”  We need to encourage our children to cleave unto their spouse.  As parents it is no longer our job to give unsolicited advice or try to solve their problems.  We need to allow our married children to build the relationship with their spouse and let them learn to rely on each other.  As a parent to married children, I try hard to bite my tongue when I see things that I think should go differently.  And I try to be careful with the advice that I give.  Welcoming a new daughter or son-in-law can be tricky, but they can also bring a lot of joy into our families if we welcome them into our lives with open arms.  

Untied Front

In the article " Who's the Boss?" by Richard Miller he tells us that as parents we need to be the leaders of the family he says " In healthy, well-functioning families, there is a clear hierarchy between parents and children. Parents are the “executive committee” and the “board of directors” of a family. As with any other leadership position, parents should not be harsh, domineering, or dictatorial, but they are the leaders of the family, and the children need to follow that leadership".  It is important as parents as we lead our families that as mother and father that we have a united front.  The article states " It is important that parents work together in their leadership in the family. Sometimes a parent forms a coalition with a child against the other parent. Although usually unspoken, a parent undermines the other parent. It is vital that parents support each other in the presence of their children. If parents disagree on parenting issues, they should discuss the issues in an “executive session” without the children present. Children often try to play their parents off of each other. Consequently, it is important that parents make sure that they are working together and making decisions that are consistent with each other."  It is so important that our children know that as parents we are unified in our decision making.  Our children need to know that Mom and Dad are in this together. This gives children the stability that they need in their home.  Children can learn at a very young age to try and play their parents.  When my two oldest kids were probably 2 and 3 years old, they decided they wanted candy canes.  They first came to me and asked if they could have a candy cane.  I told them no they could not have right now, they had to just had baths and it was time for bed.  They walked away and I heard them go to their dad ask him if they could have a candy cane.  He told my kids to check with me.  My husband knew that I would care whether or not they had candy before bed even if he did not care.   My children learned that Mom and Dad made decisions together and that it was not that easy to play us against each other.  When parents do disagree, it is still important that you have each other’s backs and you don't disagree about it in front of your children.  It is not okay for one parent make the other parent look like the bad guy.  If you need to discuss something let the child know that the two of you will discuss it and then let them know.  When you show respect to your spouse then your children will show respect as well.  Parenting is rough but it’s a little easier when you have a united front and a partner to back you up.  

Safeguarding our Marriages

Our marriages are sacred. We should safeguard them doing everything necessary to protect them and keep them strong.  It is easy to fall in the trap of thinking you could never be unfaithful to your spouse or your spouse could never be unfaithful to you. We never know what lies ahead of us in our marriages. It is an excellent idea to have a plan in place to help safeguard your marriage. You must ensure that you stay far from anything that is even close to infidelity. I think as a husband and wife it is a good to have a conversation about what each feels is appropriate relationships with opposite sex. While one spouse might think its fine to chat with people of the opposite sex online or texting, this might cause the other spouse feel uncomfortable. Together as a couple set boundaries that both parties are comfortable with. And then stick with those parameters. If something comes up that requires you have to break those parameters. Let your spouse know about it as soon as possible. For instance, if you are at work and you have to stay late to work on a project alone with someone of the opposite sex, let your spouse know what is going on and then do the work then leave. Do not linger or share intimate details and feelings with your co-worker. It is a good idea to avoid being alone with someone of the opposite sex when possible. Going to lunch alone with someone or spending many hours alone at the office is setting yourself up for possible trouble. Although things start off innocently a closeness can rapidly develop. We must make certain our relationships outside of our marriages do not allow even a hint of romance in them. President Benson told to us avoid flirtation of every kind. Goddard in his book Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage informs us that “behaviors that seem innocent (i.e., missionary work, doing good, helping in some capacity)” is the first step to unfaithfulness.

After we have set parameters and decided that we will carefully avoid the very appearance of evil. The best way to safeguard your marriage is to deepen your relationship with your spouse. Make sure you spend time together. Have fun together, go to the temple together, and pray and study scriptures together. Be kind and generous with your spouse. Discover ways to help them feel loved and appreciated. Goddard is his book sums it up nicely he says “Those who resist the lure and guile of Satan, those who honor covenants, those who tend the little garden of their own covenants, will enjoy sweetness in this life and rewards unmeasured in the world to come.