Loving the In Laws

When you are first married it can be intimidating to try and find your place in a new family.  As a fairly new mother-in-law myself I was determined that my son-in-law and daughter-in-law feel part of the family.  I remember when I was first married, I felt so awkward around my husband’s parents.  I never knew what to call them.  It took me years before I started using their names.  That makes for an awkward relationship.  My mother-in-law went through my husband to communicate with me, and would tell him when I did something that bothered her.  Things through the years have definitely gotten better and we have a good relationship now.  I knew that there were things that I wanted to do differently when my children married.  I think as parents it is our job to welcome our son or daughter in- law as a new child into our family.  We need to take time to get to know them and talk with them.  The first thing that I did was tell my daughter and son-in-law that they are welcome to call us either Mom and Dad or by our first names.  Whatever they are comfortable with we were more than happy with.  This put the whole awkward name thing behind us.  Also, if I have a question for them, I make sure that I call or text them, not my child.  I want them to know that they matter to me.  Another thing that I try really hard to do is to never criticize my child's spouse especially to my child.  This is inappropriate and will damage your relationship with both people.  As parents we need to encourage our children in their relationship by pulling back and finding our new role in their lives.  Marvin J Ashton said "Wise parents whose children have left to start their own families, realize that their family role still continues, not in a realm of domination, control, regulation, supervision, or imposition but rather in love, concern, and encouragement.”  We need to encourage our children to cleave unto their spouse.  As parents it is no longer our job to give unsolicited advice or try to solve their problems.  We need to allow our married children to build the relationship with their spouse and let them learn to rely on each other.  As a parent to married children, I try hard to bite my tongue when I see things that I think should go differently.  And I try to be careful with the advice that I give.  Welcoming a new daughter or son-in-law can be tricky, but they can also bring a lot of joy into our families if we welcome them into our lives with open arms.