Loving the In Laws

When you are first married it can be intimidating to try and find your place in a new family.  As a fairly new mother-in-law myself I was determined that my son-in-law and daughter-in-law feel part of the family.  I remember when I was first married, I felt so awkward around my husband’s parents.  I never knew what to call them.  It took me years before I started using their names.  That makes for an awkward relationship.  My mother-in-law went through my husband to communicate with me, and would tell him when I did something that bothered her.  Things through the years have definitely gotten better and we have a good relationship now.  I knew that there were things that I wanted to do differently when my children married.  I think as parents it is our job to welcome our son or daughter in- law as a new child into our family.  We need to take time to get to know them and talk with them.  The first thing that I did was tell my daughter and son-in-law that they are welcome to call us either Mom and Dad or by our first names.  Whatever they are comfortable with we were more than happy with.  This put the whole awkward name thing behind us.  Also, if I have a question for them, I make sure that I call or text them, not my child.  I want them to know that they matter to me.  Another thing that I try really hard to do is to never criticize my child's spouse especially to my child.  This is inappropriate and will damage your relationship with both people.  As parents we need to encourage our children in their relationship by pulling back and finding our new role in their lives.  Marvin J Ashton said "Wise parents whose children have left to start their own families, realize that their family role still continues, not in a realm of domination, control, regulation, supervision, or imposition but rather in love, concern, and encouragement.”  We need to encourage our children to cleave unto their spouse.  As parents it is no longer our job to give unsolicited advice or try to solve their problems.  We need to allow our married children to build the relationship with their spouse and let them learn to rely on each other.  As a parent to married children, I try hard to bite my tongue when I see things that I think should go differently.  And I try to be careful with the advice that I give.  Welcoming a new daughter or son-in-law can be tricky, but they can also bring a lot of joy into our families if we welcome them into our lives with open arms.  

Untied Front

In the article " Who's the Boss?" by Richard Miller he tells us that as parents we need to be the leaders of the family he says " In healthy, well-functioning families, there is a clear hierarchy between parents and children. Parents are the “executive committee” and the “board of directors” of a family. As with any other leadership position, parents should not be harsh, domineering, or dictatorial, but they are the leaders of the family, and the children need to follow that leadership".  It is important as parents as we lead our families that as mother and father that we have a united front.  The article states " It is important that parents work together in their leadership in the family. Sometimes a parent forms a coalition with a child against the other parent. Although usually unspoken, a parent undermines the other parent. It is vital that parents support each other in the presence of their children. If parents disagree on parenting issues, they should discuss the issues in an “executive session” without the children present. Children often try to play their parents off of each other. Consequently, it is important that parents make sure that they are working together and making decisions that are consistent with each other."  It is so important that our children know that as parents we are unified in our decision making.  Our children need to know that Mom and Dad are in this together. This gives children the stability that they need in their home.  Children can learn at a very young age to try and play their parents.  When my two oldest kids were probably 2 and 3 years old, they decided they wanted candy canes.  They first came to me and asked if they could have a candy cane.  I told them no they could not have right now, they had to just had baths and it was time for bed.  They walked away and I heard them go to their dad ask him if they could have a candy cane.  He told my kids to check with me.  My husband knew that I would care whether or not they had candy before bed even if he did not care.   My children learned that Mom and Dad made decisions together and that it was not that easy to play us against each other.  When parents do disagree, it is still important that you have each other’s backs and you don't disagree about it in front of your children.  It is not okay for one parent make the other parent look like the bad guy.  If you need to discuss something let the child know that the two of you will discuss it and then let them know.  When you show respect to your spouse then your children will show respect as well.  Parenting is rough but it’s a little easier when you have a united front and a partner to back you up.  

Safeguarding our Marriages

Our marriages are sacred. We should safeguard them doing everything necessary to protect them and keep them strong.  It is easy to fall in the trap of thinking you could never be unfaithful to your spouse or your spouse could never be unfaithful to you. We never know what lies ahead of us in our marriages. It is an excellent idea to have a plan in place to help safeguard your marriage. You must ensure that you stay far from anything that is even close to infidelity. I think as a husband and wife it is a good to have a conversation about what each feels is appropriate relationships with opposite sex. While one spouse might think its fine to chat with people of the opposite sex online or texting, this might cause the other spouse feel uncomfortable. Together as a couple set boundaries that both parties are comfortable with. And then stick with those parameters. If something comes up that requires you have to break those parameters. Let your spouse know about it as soon as possible. For instance, if you are at work and you have to stay late to work on a project alone with someone of the opposite sex, let your spouse know what is going on and then do the work then leave. Do not linger or share intimate details and feelings with your co-worker. It is a good idea to avoid being alone with someone of the opposite sex when possible. Going to lunch alone with someone or spending many hours alone at the office is setting yourself up for possible trouble. Although things start off innocently a closeness can rapidly develop. We must make certain our relationships outside of our marriages do not allow even a hint of romance in them. President Benson told to us avoid flirtation of every kind. Goddard in his book Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage informs us that “behaviors that seem innocent (i.e., missionary work, doing good, helping in some capacity)” is the first step to unfaithfulness.

After we have set parameters and decided that we will carefully avoid the very appearance of evil. The best way to safeguard your marriage is to deepen your relationship with your spouse. Make sure you spend time together. Have fun together, go to the temple together, and pray and study scriptures together. Be kind and generous with your spouse. Discover ways to help them feel loved and appreciated. Goddard is his book sums it up nicely he says “Those who resist the lure and guile of Satan, those who honor covenants, those who tend the little garden of their own covenants, will enjoy sweetness in this life and rewards unmeasured in the world to come.

Overcoming Gridlock

In a marriage it is inevitable issues are going to come up where spouses are going to disagree. There are times when an issue where you both feel  determined about it feels impossible to compromise. If we are not careful irreconcilable differences can turn into gridlock. John Gottoman defines gridlock as "when partners can't identify a way to accommodate perpetual disagreement." He says."neither can make any headway in convincing the other to understand and respect their perspective, much less agree with it" If you find yourself in a gridlocked issue. This does not have to dissolve the marriage. John Gottman provides us with four steps that we can use to help overcome gridlock. He tells us   "the very nature of gridlock means that your dreams appear to be in opposition, so you've both become deeply entrenched in other positions and fear accepting each other's influence and yielding. "  The first step that Dr. Gottman suggests to help overcome gridlock is exploring the dream(s).  He says to first write an explanation of your position. Make sure you do not criticize or accuse your spouse. Next write the hidden dream within your position. Subsequently explain why you feel this way and why it is significant. An example of this would be if you are consistently fighting about money. One spouse may feel the need to save a lot of their money, Their dream may be to have a considerable savings and a good retirement this will help them feel safe and secure. You might feel this way because you saw your grandparents or parents didn't retain enough money during retirement and you do not want to have the same struggles. Once the dreams have been established then each person takes 15 minutes being the speaker and the listener. The second step is to soothe.  You need to pay attention to how you and your spouse if you begin feeling signs of stress  take a break and soothe yourself before you continue. The third step is the reach a temporary compromise. You need to accept your differences and establish some kind of initial compromise the will help you continue to work on the problem.  The fourth step is to say thank-you. You need to make an appreciation list. Note all things that you are appreciative for. You want to end on a optimistic note, you should offer three thank-yous to your spouse. This will help keep things positive in your relationship during stressful times.  

John Gottman informs us there are two kinds of the conflicts in marriage there are Perpetual problems and there are solvable problems. He says that 69% of marital conflicts fall into the perpetual problem category. Perpetual problems represent “unmovable problems" No matter how long we are married these problems just don’t go away. But these perpetual problems do not have to wreck a marriage or make us unhappy. Gottman says, “Despite their differences, these couples remain very satisfied with their marriages because they have hit upon a way to address their unmovable problems so that they don’t become over whelming. They’ve learned to keep them in their place and approach them with a sense of humor.” In a marriage we have to accept the little things that our spouse does that can drive us crazy. We must learn to love our spouse and even embrace their unpleasant habits. Brother Goddard in his book Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage says “Marriage provides glorious opportunities to practice consecration. Just as Isaac was willing to five his life as the ultimate expression of commitment to God, we are invited to dedicate our lives, our talents, or weekends, and our weaknesses to the sacred enterprise of sanctifying marriages and ultimately perfecting our souls.”He also tells us “most of our sacrifices take a startling pedestrian form.”

An example of this sacrifice in my own marriage that comes to mind is my husband never replaces the toilet paper in the bathroom. If he takes a new roll out, he will leave it on the back of the toilet. This has always just blown my mind that he couldn’t merely put the roll of toilet paper on the holder. I have performed demonstrations and inquired repeatedly why this is extremely challenging, but eventually I decided it was unimportant. When I go into the bathroom, I merely place the toilet paper on the holder and move on. Just like I know he pushes my hairdryer and straightener out of his way when he gets ready in the morning. He no longer inquires why I don’t put it away, although I know it makes him crazy. There is no resentment in these acts and at times we may tease each other about these things. But have discovered ways to address the ongoing problem. We recognize that we both have shortcomings and can not let the small stuff become big issues in our relationship. This has helped us address many issues as they have popped up in our 25-years of marriage. We try living by the motto  “Don’t Sweat the Small the Stuff.” 

Pride Cometh Before the Fall

In President Ezra Taft Benson’s talk “Beware of Pride” he warns us of the dangers of pride.  When we have pride it can affect all aspects of our lives.  Our marriages are one aspect that pride can destroy.  In Presidents Bensons talk he discusses the different faces of pride.  He says that disobedience, selfishness, and contention are all aspects of pride. 

One of the elements of pride that President Benson mentions is selfishness.  He says “Selfishness is one of the more common faces of pride. “How everything affects me” is the center of all that matters—self-conceit, self-pity, worldly self-fulfillment, self-gratification, and self-seeking.”  There is absolutely no room for selfishness in a marriage.  Selfishness will deteriorate a marriage quickly.  When we focus on ourselves, we will be easily irritated with our spouse and will see their many short comings.  In the bookDrawing Heaven into Your Marriage it says “God has given us an early warning system.  When we are feeling irked, annoyed, or irritated with our spouse, we have our backs toward Heaven.  We are guilty or pride.  In a spiritual sense we are saying to our spouses, “You are not meeting my needs the way would like them met.  Don’t you realize that is your job?! Your every act is to be dedicated to my happiness. Now Hop to it.” We cannot expect anyone to meet our needs and make us happy. If we want to have a happy marriage we need to be looking outward and trying help our spouses be happy.  If both spouses are doing this then this will lead to a happy marriage. 

President Benson also speaks of contention. He says that “Contention in our families drives the Spirit of the Lord away. It also drives many of our family members away. Contention ranges from a hostile spoken word to worldwide conflicts.”  When we are contentious with our spouse that can rip a big hole in our marriage. We need to look for ways that we can bring the spirit into our marriages not push it away.  When the spirit is strong in our homes we can find peace and we will be happier. 

When we have pride it makes it so that we are only looking out for ourselves.  In a marriage we should be working together as partners.  We need to be each other’s teammates and the old say goes there is no “I” in teamwork. 

The Little Things

                                                   
The principle of turning toward one another goes right along with the scripture in D&C 64:33 “"Wherefore, be not weary in well-doing, for ye are laying the foundation of a great work. And out of small things proceedeth that which is great." It is the small things that we do in our marriage that will make it a great marriage. It is taking an interest in our spouse and helping them in small ways.  For example, last night I was tired but it was my turn to clean the kitchen. We had a late night and I still needed to read with my son, as well,  before he went to bed. As I was reading with my son in his room I could hear someone cleaning the kitchen.  When I came out of my sons’ room, my husband had cleaned the whole kitchen.  It didn’t matter that he had just cleaned the kitchen the night before or that he had a long day at work. Little acts like this help us feel loved and appreciated.  It brings a couple closer together.  By my husband doing this it helped me want to find a way that I could help him out in some way.  It is little things like this that start to add up and make a difference in our marriages and how we view our spouse.  John Gottman in his book “The Seven Principles for Making Marriages Work said “Turning toward operates under a law of positive feedback- like a snowball rolling downhill, it can start small yet generate enormous results.  In other words, you don’t have to turn toward your partner in a very dramatic way to see the benefit” Turning toward another helps build a strong relationship. This helps us fortify our relationship so that when hard times hit our marriage will be able to with stand problems.  Turning toward one another helps us build trust in our marriage, we know that we can rely and trust our partner.  We also develop the habit of turning to your partner when you need help.  What are some of the small things that you do that help a great marriage come to pass?